One year ago this week my life changed when I was diagnosed with Type 1 Diabetes. After living with this for a year, I just wanted to write down some of my thoughts.
When I was first diagnosed, I felt so scared. I didn't know much about it, and was afraid I would have to give up bread and chocolate (kill me now!). I felt labeled, like all of the sudden I was something I hadn't been the day before: a diabetic. A scary word. I felt overwhelmed, because I knew it meant I would live with the label and illness for the rest of my life. I felt depressed, because no matter what, complications will happen at some point. Mom, if you are reading this, I am not talking about tomorrow - I am talking about SOMEDAY, in like 50 years. That was a depressing thought.
I also felt hope. Through prayers and Priesthood blessings, I was able to feel the comforting presence of the Holy Ghost, and the assurance that Heavenly Father is aware of me and of my own personal trials. I felt peace - I knew that I could handle this and that for whatever reason, I am supposed to experience this and learn from it. I felt gratitude - gratitude that my body hadn't developed this illness until now, gratitude for good medical insurance, and gratitude for doctors and nurses and scientists who have made it
possible over the years for diabetics to process glucose and live. It is completely amazing to me that someone figured how to do that. A few drops of clear liquid every day are the difference between living or not. Seriously, amazing. If I was born at a different time or in a different place, I may not have access to the insulin that keeps my body working. That is a huge blessing, and I know that I am lucky.
On to the less serious, here is what else I have learned. Diabetes is a giant pain in the butt. It is like our third child - a red-headed, naughty step child that picks it's nose and eats it. It wakes me up in the middle of the night and makes me carry a long list of supplies at all times. Which, without fail, if I ever happen to forget any of the supplies, I will end up crucially needing them. It forces me to open food in the grocery store and eat it before paying for it. It makes me wear bigger pants (sniff). Sometimes it makes me extra cranky, short tempered, and extra exhausted. It is unpredictable and uncontrollable some days. Even if it is temporarily out of sight, it is never far out of mind. Just like a kid, I tell you.
I also have a new best friend called an insulin pump, and we are really, REALLY close. We do almost everything together. We laugh together, we cry together, we do the laundry together. We are pretty much joined at the hip (HAHAHA - sorry, but that is funny. I inject it right above my hip). Here is the deal with a pump for those of you that don't know these things: It does not do everything for me. I used to think that an insulin pump figured out how much insulin a person needed and did all the work for them - so that they didn't have to prick their finger or count carbs. That would be nice, but we aren't there yet. It has no idea what is going on inside of my body, except for what I tell it.
(stock photo - not me in case you were wondering :)
The pump works like this - it gives me a constant little dose of insulin throughout the day, just like a real pancreas. When I eat, I have to check my blood sugar and program in the blood sugar number, and the number of carbs I am eating. Then my magic pump does all the math for me and based on those two numbers tells me how much insulin I need to give myself. Then I program it in and it travels from the tubes into my site (usually in my front or back torso), along with a lovely little prickling sensation. Sometimes the amount is right, and sometimes it is wrong. Due to me figuring/guessing the carbs wrong, or changes in stress levels, hormones, activity level, etc. I will often go high or low.
High for me is anything over 160, low is anything under 80 (normal is around 100). When that happens, I have to correct it with more insulin (for a high), or fast sugars (juice, glucose tablets, etc.) for a low. It took me about 6 months to get my mom to understand that (love you mom!) and I was afraid she was going to inject me with insulin and kill me if I ever passed out from a low. Don't worry, she's got it now :). I am lucky and can almost always feel my lows (increased heartbeat, weak, dizzy, shaky, staring off into space for no freaking reason) before they get too scary. The highs are another story, and it is never a fun surprise to think you are fine and then do a check and see a 380 (last saturday night, after eating Indian food) pop up on the screen. On a side note, whenever my glucose meter shows a perfect 100 (rare), I kiss it and make a wish.
By the Numbers Year in Review
2,400+: the number of times I have pricked my finger this year to test my blood glucose.
5.8%: My last A1C result (an average of blood glucose over 3 months - that is a GOOD number :)
24: Number of hours per day I am attached to my insulin pump. Subtract about half an hour for showering and some other stuff...
38: My lowest low of the year - this was in the middle of the night, and I happened to have half a bag of peach rings by my bed. I ate them all and woke up with a blood sugar of around 300 and fuzzy orange teeth. Peach rings gross me out now.
365: Number of vacation days my pancreas has taken this year. Lazy little thing!
For anyone still reading (this is a long post - sorry!), I just want to say that I am honestly doing great. Everyone has their own set of problems to deal with, and I for sure don't think that mine are the worst. This year has taught me to appreciate my body and what it CAN do instead of basing its worth on how good it looks in a swimsuit. It has made Mark and I closer as he has helped me through the hard and crappy times, and I have a different kind of appreciation for him that I might not have had otherwise. It has helped me develop a greater testimony of the plan of salvation - of why we are here and that we have to experience trials on earth in order to grow and learn. I know that Heavenly Father has things for each of us to learn, and this is one of the trials that I needed to experience in order to learn those things. And if you happen to be wondering if there are brownies in heaven, the answer is YES - for all of the diabetics that can't eat them (without going high) here on earth. I am looking forward to eating an entire pan of heaven-brownies all by myself.
